I have a new take on what is happening in my body.

Rheumatoid arthritis, IBS, fatigue… Those are labels. They describe an ensemble of processes that take place in my body at a given time – so everyone (in the medical world) knows what we’re talking about. And it doesn’t explain.

So… why ? This question has been on my mind for five years.
My first thought was “it’s my fault”. Again. Another “not enough this, too much that” – another “not good enough”. I soon learnt that this “not good enough” was coming from my early childhood, as a protector – much easier to believe that I wasn’t good enough, this was the reason why I couldn’t be seen and heard – this way, I didn’t have to endanger the connection with my family.
I even thought this “not good enough”and the coping mechanisms I developed linked to that might have been the reasons for the autoimmune processes happening in my body. Eating my feelings, drinking them too at a much younger age, being so hard on myself, not listening to my feelings, my body…. For sure, that is not good.

But with many CI sessions and some psychedelics, something became clear.

Little fires in my body. Little fires everywhere. Never gone, always dormant, sometimes ravaging.
I had to be on high alert since a very young age. My environment was moving, changing, uncertain, and dangerous sometimes. The polish looked great and seen from afar my environment was even privileged – and yet, all those things that I needed that didn’t happen, all those things that shouldn’t have happened.

The first little fires were actually in my lungs. Asthma, for more than 40 years. And now my gut, my joints. All over the place.

I hated those little fires and wanted them gone, erased, taken out.
I see now how they were necessary – to protect me, stop me going places I had no business to be. Relationships, jobs… it has been a brilliant mechanism and I slowly learnt to love those little fires.
Slowly but surely my body will learn to trust that I entered my power. I can chose now, I can stand for myself – there is no need to be on high alert all the time.
One day my body will trust that I am safe and the little fires everywhere will go dormant, maybe back to dust even.

It already started…. (to be continued).